Amendment to Sales Letter for Cheap Cosmetics ebooks

Hello, I require my sales letter to be changed to make the tone more personal and catch the attention of the reader a bit more from the start. The facts enunciated in the current sales letter are fine but the start needs to really grab the attention. I would think starting with an attention grabbing headlines like " i got so fed up of paying over the odds for cosmetics that i decided to do my won research on the net and I saved £XXX by doing so" or "are you fed up of paying too much for cosmetics?". Then I would say having an overall picture of staple items like moisturiser, mascara, eyeliner etc etc and enunciate the savings for each with the total savings written at the bottom of the image. I would something emotional to get the reader to understand "I" am a human being too and sympathise with them, something along the lines of "student, no money, credit crunch, no money, feeling depressed cos broke and not feeling pretty, etcc...". And then finish with saying that during my research I discovered a few mindblowing scientific facts and then this should merge into the already existing sales page. The formatting already in place with the current sales page should be applied to the new section. I would also like the lucky bidder to re-read and possibly amend the sales letter if necessary. I am also thinking about inserting an audio extract of the ebook too so? I would appreciate any hints as to where you think the audio extract would impact the best. Thank you for reading this and happy bidding!